so first, a disclaimer; i am not a writer. i don't exactly know how to put pretty words together. but these are my thoughts they way they come to my brain, and i hope they help you a little. whoever you are.
"people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love."
- Charles Bukowski
i have decided that best feeling i could possibly ever feel is the one i've been feeling lately.
it's the feeling of being alone but never actually lonely, the feeling of hearing criticism and letting it make you stronger.
it's the feeling of wanting people in you're life and loving those around you and being happy they exist, but needing no one else but yourself.
it's that feeling they always talk about when you go through a break-up (the nice way of telling you that you contributed to it screwing up, and you should probably stop relationship hopping) that you "have to make yourself happy before you can be happy with someone else" (this statement i agree with and i don't agree with at the same time, but that's another topic for another post.)
and although i don't want to label it as being miss independent, that's sorta what it is. something happened to me about a year ago. i think i was hurt, and stressed, and lost and sad in so many ways for so many reasons. i was broken down to the tiniest particles of myself until i couldn't even see who i was anymore, like i'd just become another piece of dust in my own carpet. i moved through each day and vowed to feel nothing. because feeling nothing would feel better than hurting. believing in nothing and hoping for nothing would always be safer than letting yourself fall and break into more pieces.
okay, so i was wrong. and it took me a while to get here, but would you believe me if i told you i wouldn't trade being broken for anything in the world? it's almost a little magical, how the human body repairs itself.
do you know how weight lifting works? or anything else for that matter- stretching, vaccines and immunizations, muscle tears, balance, tolerance to spicy foods, a broken bone. anyway, the point is that you've gotta go through the sucky part. it hurts, it's uncomfortable, you kind of never want to go through that again. i know that when i'm running i just want to stop five minutes in and say "yeah no i'm okay with being a little fat forever." but then you get a little stronger every time. you don't really feel yourself getting stronger. you keep tearing and stretching the muscles and pushing yourself through the pain and suddenly you're running twice as fast and standing twice as tall.
as corny as this sounds it's just the only way to describe the way your heart works. you get broken a hundred million times and you keep taping yourself back together and thinking you'll never heal, but every time something tries to break you it hurts a little less and has to work a little harder. you're standing a little taller and loving a little deeper and smiling a little more often. you will start noticing how beautiful the mountains are. how many goosebumps appear from that song you're listening to. how much kinder people look while they're laughing.
and you don't know why. you're life hasn't changed all that much. i know mine hasn't. i'm still sitting at a desk and checking in people to appointments and writing term papers and listening to music that no one else likes. but i've become so much more brave. i know what it feels like to be at a low and anything above that feels like a high. i know i'm not invincible, there's still shards of my dusty old heart left inside that keep me just a little bit scared and a little bit grounded.
but this feeling that i'm feeling is so pretty because i'm not afraid of people anymore- of what they think or what they say or how much they care. i've realized that i'm 110% deserving of people who care about me as much as i care about them and nothing less than that. i realized i deserve to do the things i love while i have the chance to do them. i can spend my hard earned money on camera equipment and be a photographer even though everyone told me i couldn't. i can be okay with not having a boy tell me i'm pretty, i'm allowed to tell myself that. i don't need him to make me feel whole. and i can be content with not knowing exactly where i'm going to end up because i have tomorrow, and tomorrow will be so beautiful.
and another thing about being broken is that when i put myself back together, it was easier for me to see that everyone else is just a little broken too. i can't hold onto hate anymore, it just doesn't stick. it hurts me more to know that somewhere, deep inside everyone there's a few little shards of heart that are keeping them from being a thousand times more beautiful. i wish i could reach inside and clean them up and let them see what it feels like to be free from the monsters living inside your head and the nasty world eating at you on the outside.
so if you're reading this, i'm sorry. i'm sorry about your dusty heart and the pieces that are stuck really, really deep inside. but i want to keep telling you that they'll dissolve eventually. they'll leave some scars and those scars will be the new strongest part of you. but don't let them make you hard. let them make you strong. don't shut people out. people are the healers of hearts and you have someone who wants to heal you. somewhere. i promise. i won't tell you to look for the good in everyone, because sometimes it's too hard to see, but try to understand that they just need to find themselves too. please, don't ever give up. it's worth it sometimes.
i just want you to know
it's okay
be a heart breaker.
Post a Comment